Date: July. 19, 20△◯
Subject: another round
My neighbour has been blasting weird, atmospheric music all day. I think he might be a NEET, but not a hikikomori.
Today, when I left for school, he was leaving at the same time as me. We spoke a little about what I've been doing, what he's been doing, etc. He told me about his younger brother who goes to my school as well. I felt bad for not hearing the name when he said it, but I don't have any friends there, so it's not like knowing would make too much of a difference. I didn't even hear his name at first because I was listening to English drills on my MP3 player.
He was asking what I was going to do over break. I told him the same thing I tell everyone: I'm going to keep studying. "You're not going to take a day off?" he asked me, "You don't wanna rest, relax, maybe watch a video?"
I just smiled and told him I couldn't afford to waste even a day. I felt bad after saying it - I didn't want to imply anything about his way of life - but he just shrugged. "Suit yourself."
Date: July. 12, 20△◯
Subject:tv special
I didn't want to go to class today, so I was dragging my feet this morning. My dad stopped me in the kitchen and gave me a glass of orange juice and told me to stay strong today. Then he said that later on TV there was going to be a special about Hope's Peak. He asked if I wanted to watch it, and of course I said yes.
The special was about a reserve course student who realised she had a talent all along, but she wasn't utalising it enough to realise. She found out she was a Super High School Level Reader. She could read so fast. But she thought it was just because the books were so boring that she was breezing through them. I thought it was incredible. Finding out you have a talent like that... at 17! It gave me hope that maybe I could find something of my own.
My parents seem like they want to tell me something but I'm not going to ask about it. They like preparing for things early, so I'm going to assume that they are trying to coordinate a birthday present. Sometimes I want to tell them that it's not necessary, and I want to fall on the floor and apologise for my shortcomings, but these are things I have to actively hold myself back from doing too... Just like the Super High School Level Reader, maybe I just have to wait before I'm ready to find my talent...
But how long do I have to wait?
Date: June. 22, 20△◯
Subject: ennui
even though i go in, i feel like there's no point. when i watch myself stumble on a maths question, or write my journal entries slower than the person next to me, or kick the football too far to the left before the next person in line comes and gets it perfect, there's just no point in trying anymore.
i think my parents can tell.
my two wishes right now are simple:
- i wish that my parents didn't have to worry so much about their son
- i wish their son was worth being proud of
Date: June. 3, 20△◯
Subject:noise complaint
Sometimes I feel like i'm just waiting for things to get better...
For me to get better, more specifically.
Sometimes, when I look at the people around me, I feel so inadequate. But other times, I have to remind myself that there's still a chance - there's still hope - that I might find something soon. My neighbour is still trying to find something I think. His bedroom is through the wall from mine. Recently, he's started... talking to himself... but he does it so convincingly, I almost feel like someone is there in the room with him. But of course, when he leaves a silent beat for too long, I realise there's no one there. He speaks as though there's an audience watching him, but I think it's just me.
Sometimes he gets too loud and my dad comes in to check it's not bothering me. Sometimes it is, so my dad will raise his hand into a ball and hit the wall a little firmly, and only then does my neighbour stop talking to the air. My dad is careful to hit the wall above my posters so he doesn't damage them.
Date: May. 31, 20△◯
Subject:no subject
i think my poster is mocking me. but i want to keep trying. I think maybe I just haven't found my special talent yet
there has to be something out there waiting for me.
Date: May. 8, 20△◯
Subject: schedules
I've been trying to keep up with a journal more to organise my thoughts and my days. For someone like me, maybe it's too easy to get overwhelmed when things start piling up. I need that to not happen; I need to focus on my studies, cultivate my mind, and give myself as many oppurtunities as I can to see if... well, you already know. I think I'm the only one who will ever read this, so maybe spelling everything out isn't really necessary.
My schedule isn't too bad I think. I heard a lot of people talking about how the jump from middle school to high school isn't easy if you're not ready, and they'll push you way harder - which is true - but I think I imagined the schedule to be a lot crazier than it was.
I haven't joined any clubs. I don't know if I will.
Date: April. 17, 20△◯
Subject: pink
One good thing about this time of year is that I love the trees in full bloom. It's inspiring, even. To think they could lie to dormant for most of the year, hiding beneath the shadow of green and (in winter) brown, before erupting into this huge colourful explosion. Some of my classmates like to spend all morning looking out the window to watch it fall, but I try to treat it as more of a reward. If I can focus all my energy into class, then I can gaze out the window freely in the break period before the next. I think it's a nice system, at least.
The news was running a couple of articles about some of the newest students at Hope's Peak. The talents they have this year are amazing; I watched a recording of the opening ceremony with my mom after the first day of school. They even did a little demonstration. My mom thought the Super High School Level Princess was really incredible, which I did too, but I wonder how much of it was just the amazement of seeing her long, white hair against the spring sunlight and the falling pink petals.
Wow, you really shouldn't underestimate the power of a sunny day.